I Survived a Category 5...sort of...

Today I found myself in the men's room of a local restaurant. In spite of my non-employee status, I washed my hands before leaving, and immediately looked for the paper towel dispenser.

Hands dripping wet, I found neither paper towels nor the standard electric hand dryer. What I did find was the XLerator, a supercharged electric hand dryer. The XLerator delivers a blast of air so intense, the skin on my palm was visibly pushed into a perfect circle for the six or seven seconds it took to completely dry my hands. I couldn't believe it, to the point that I returned to the sink to wash my hands (and dry them) again. With the nifty foamy soap, to boot.

With the possible exception of a visit to Taco Bell, it's rare that I find a reason to use a piece of public restroom equipment more than once on a single visit, let alone dive into it's technical specs. But here's what I've learned about the XLerator:

The air velocity where your hands should be, four inches below the nozzle, is 14,000 feet per second. Some quick calculations translate that into a wind speed of 159 miles per hour, or a Category 5 on the Saffir-Simpson Hurricane Scale.

If you've never lived through such an intense storm (combined with a 135 degree air temperature to boot), this is your chance. For a brief instant, as the sole occupant of the restroom, my inner child even thought about moving my face under the nozzle to feel the sensation of a Cat 5 on my face. Then, I thought better of it--what would I tell the opthamologist who did my recent LASIK when he asks how my corneas wound up on the floor of a men's room (not to mention lightly toasted)?

If anyone is interested, I did find an XLerator on eBay. It's on my wishlist for Chanukah, along with a urinal and bathroom-friendly TV. 125 days to go...

Another Hollywood Fairy Tale Ends

I was a bit surprised to learn of the end of the six-year marriage of George Lazenby and Pam Shriver and the impending child custody battle. Surprised, in part, because I knew nothing of the beginning of their marriage. And even more surprised that Lazenby is not only still alive, but fathering children well into his 60s.

Lazenby, as I'm sure you recall, played James Bond on the big screen nearly 40 years ago. Played Bond one time. By my count, that's just one time more than I've played 007 on-screen. To say that his career has been in the toilet since his debut in OHMSS is a bit of an understatement. He hasn't even been the answer to a trivia question since the 1980s, when Pam was a highly-ranked tennis star.

So what kind of pickup line do you use to attract someone who wasn't old enough to attend the one notable movie you made without a parent?

Picture George at one end of the bar, Pam at the other. Pam catches his eye; George calls the female bartender over and loudly orders a martini. "Shaken, not stirred!" Pam doesn't even glance over. George loudly repeats himself, "That's shaken, not stirred!" Still no reaction from Pam. George settles his tab with the bartender by handing her $20.01: "Here you are, MISS, all the MONEY's yours, including the PENNY."Pam now cannot help but notice the intriguing, mature Australian putting on a fake British accent, and approaches him.

George: "You know, I was James Bond well over 30 years ago, and haven't worked steadily since."

Pam: "I was a top-ranked tennis pro in the '80s, and I'm Maria Shriver's fourth cousin."

The rest, as they say, is celebrity history.

What does this guy do all day while his wife is out making the bucks covering tennis? Enjoying the benefits of her hard work?

Out of concern for their three young children, the announcement was timed to coincide with the media focused on the Summer Olympics and the Russian-Georgian war. Unlike celebrity couples like Brad and Angelina, George and Pam have somehow managed to fly under the radar and keep the paparazzi at bay, refusing to negotiate to sell photos of their 2002 wedding or three young children to People and US magazines. Nor have they allowed themselves to be known by the unifying moniker "Peorge."

Stay tuned to the media, I'm sure we haven't heard the last of this one.