Thursday, March 27, 2008

Hollywood Serial Killer Strikes Again

A serial killer terrorizing Hollywood for over 40 years has struck once again. Known to authorities only as "Natural Causes," he struck again Monday, leaving Richard Widmark the ninth victim in his wake. Until now, no motive had been established, but all share one common denominator: guest-starring roles in I Love Lucy's legendary 1955 Hollywood trip episodes. Natural Causes strikes seemingly at random, rarely using the same disease as a weapon twice.

Why he suddenly struck yesterday after an 18-year hiatus is even more of a mystery. Until Monday, authorities believed that Natural Causes had himself died. Yet today, the streets of Tinseltown are gripped in fear as Natural Causes seeks out his next victim, as if they weren't gripped enough with the likes of O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake loose.

The Los Angeles Police Department stands by their motto ("To Protect and Serve") in denying that they have minimized the threat to the stars of yesteryear and have never covered up that these deaths were all linked to Natural Causes. A MoCo Lotion exclusive documents for the first time the trail of death left in Natural Causes' wake. Let's have a look:

Episode 114, "L.A. At Last." Eve Arden (cancer, heart disease, age 82, 1990) and William Holden (bled to death after presumably falling headfirst, drunk, into the corner of a coffee table, age 63, 1981). Alright, maybe Holden's a stretch, but in my book, that's pretty much natural causes for Hollywood.

Episode 117, "The Fashion Show." Don Loper (punctured lung, age 66, 1972)

Episode 118, "The Hedda Hopper Story." (pneumonia, age 80, 1966)

Episode 122, "The Star Upstairs." (Cornel Wilde, leukemia, age 74, 1989)

Episode 123, "Lucy In Palm Springs." (Rock Hudson, complications from AIDS, age 59, 1985)

Episode 125, "Harpo Marx." (Complications from heart surgery, age 75, 1964)

Episode 127, "The Tour." (Richard Widmark, complications from fractured vertabrae, age 93, 2008)

Episode 128, "Lucy Visits Grauman's" and Episode 129, "Lucy and John Wayne." (cancer, age 72, 1979)

Monday's slaying of Widmark has left many Hollywood stars on edge, particularly Van Johnson, who is now the only surviving guest star from the Hollywood episodes (Episode 124, "The Dancing Star") . A psychological profile of the killer suggests that he has the mentality of a hunter, and will not be satisfied until he completes his task and adds Johnson to his trophy room, much as Widmark attempted to do with Lucy as she hid under his bearskin rug.

Sleep loose, Van.

MoCo Lotion's calls to the LAPD seeking comment have not been returned.


Chris said...

I'm sure Mr. Widmark's death would have been even more poignant for Moco Lotion had Moco Lotion actually ever seen any of the Hollywood trip episodes of "I Love Lucy."

MoCoLotion said...

I really have seen all the Hollywood episodes. Even the one IMDB and all the I Love Lucy books don't list with Danny Kaye(heart failure, March 3, 1987), so I didn't bother to list it here.

It's one of my favorite episodes. For some reason nobody has ever explained to me, they shot it in color--Desi really did like to try new, innovative things in the '50s, and this proves it.

And if you listen closely, there's a huge blooper nobody ever caught when they were filming--Lucy forgetting Ethel's character name and calling her "Viv" throughout the entire show.

I'm hoping somebody will release it on DVD with the Jack Benny episode that doesn't show up in reruns either.